You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me
they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're
sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs
then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It
wasn't doing what I was doing.
I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't... My arm kept
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
When I'm in Champaigne, I listen to the great music on Rock 107,
and when I'm out of town... They mail it to me.
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.
I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize
that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm
getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going
to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know. Granted, it takes
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
--- big picture ---
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
--- banks ---
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
--- museums ---
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
--- movies ---
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,
children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
--- restaurants ---
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I
was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up
outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No,
these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway,
because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get
--- stores ---
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the
aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was "woman".
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I
can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days
later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars"...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?" And I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't
read in two different languages.
--- appliances ---
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled
my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
--- telephones ---
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever
I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time
I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.
I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone --
it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the
other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I
said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five
on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't
know... My calendar has no sevens on it."
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called
someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said,
"Hello?" And I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They
said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I
said, "I'll wait."
I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called
Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't
find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they
Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box,
hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a
I got an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home
and somebody calls me up, they hear a recording of a busy
signal. I like to leave messages before the beep.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone
inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a
call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to
the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls
--- records/tapes ---
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it
on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I
could only stutter in Spanish.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the
wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned
them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I got tired of calling the movies to listen to what is playing
so I bought the album.
I went down to the store and bought some blank cassette tapes.
When I got home I put one in my cassette deck and turned it up
full blast. I was walking around my house when I heard a knock
on my door. It was my neighbor complaining about the
noise... He's a mime.
--- books ---
I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
The guy who wrote that song wrote everything.
My grandfather invented Cliff's Notes. It all started back in
1912... Well, to make a long story short ...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I
just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
I wrote a few children's books... Not on purpose.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading
accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.
--- apartments ---
I installed a skylight in my apartment.... The people who live
above me are furious!
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me
designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across
the hall tried to rob a department store... With a pricing
gun... She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm
marking down everything in the store."
The other day somebody stole everything in my apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica... When my roommate came home
I said, "Roommate, someone stole everything in our apartment and
replaced it with an exact replica." He looked at me and said,
"Do I know you?"
--- houses ---
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything.
Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check.
Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick
wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one
who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch
it... It feels real."
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms
above... So I never have to go upstairs.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the
flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and
took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was
lightning in my house.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to
look at it.
All the plants in my house are dead -- I shot them last night.
I was torturing them by watering them with ice cubes.
My neighbors don't like it when I talk to my plants... I use a
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...
If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on
your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write
right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the
neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get
out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how
I got there.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house
with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it
around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over.
He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later,
I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars,
"Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really
notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
--- cars and driving ---
For a while I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... No
place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it
running... (Slow glance upward.)
I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright,
I was still inside.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it
looks like I'm the only one moving.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my
car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been
arrested three times for practicing.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one
out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left
earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I had to stop driving my car for a while... The tires got
I want to start a car repair shop. I have already got the air
for the tires.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... He can't get out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
anywhere near the place.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the
driving... Every half mile... We had one cassette tape to
listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.
Is my car the only one in America where someone breaks in and
turns up my radio every time I park?
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some
people must be really tired.
I bought this thing for my car. You put it on your car, it
sends out this little noise, so when you drive through the
woods, deer won't run in front of your car. I installed it
backwards by accident. Driving down the street with a herd of
deer chasing me. Those were the days.
I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say,
"Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once
in a cartoon, but I think I can do it."
I decided to leave and go to California, so I packed up my
Salvador Dali print of two blindfolded dental hygienists trying
to make a circle on an Etch-a-Sketch, and I headed for the
highway and began hitching. Within three minutes I got picked
up by one of those huge trailer trucks carrying 20 brand new
cars. I climbed up the side of the cab and opened the door.
The guy said, "I don't have much room up here, why don't you get
into one of the cars out back." So I did. And he was really
into picking people up because he picked up 19 more. We all had
our own cars. Then he went 90 miles per hour and we all got
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so
fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an
accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the
engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this
thing? This steers it."
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said,
"Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes,
officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said,
"Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't
believe everything I read."
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend of
mine on cruise control. Both of us in the back seat. The
police pulled us over. They don't know who to arrest, nobody's
driving. So, they arrested us both. I'm on the witness stand.
You know the rest.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose.
Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer
and farther, trying to see it clearly)... And says, "Here, you
That's a good thing to say to the police the next time they stop
you. "License and registration, please." "Hermits have no peer
pressure." "License and registration, please." "Whenever I
think about the past, it just brings back so many memories."
"License and registration, please." "There's a fine line
between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
Wouldn't you" say, Officer?" "License and registration,
please." "What's another word for Thesaurus?" See the cop have
a nervous breakdown. "I was just trying to give him a ticket."
We were in Salino, Utah when we were arrested for not going
through a green light. We pleaded "maybe". I asked the judge
if he knew what time it is, he did, and I said, "No further
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I
said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in
the passing lane?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great
parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask
me if I'm leaving.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... When I came
back the entire area was missing.
--- airplanes ---
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept
locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot
stepladder with a coathanger.
One night a jet flew a little bit too close to my house. I was
walking from the living room to the kitchen, and the stewardess
told me to sit down.
When I go, I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline. You
buy a one way round trip ticket. You leave any Monday, and they
bring you back the previous Friday... That way you still have
So I get off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and
I'm dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are
knocking people over...
--- friends ---
I have a friend named Dennis. Both of his parents were midgets,
but he isn't a midget. He's a midget-dwarf. He's two inches
tall. He's the one who poses for trophies.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to
go. You'll just be walking down the street, and...
Ooooohhhhhh, that's much better...
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car.
I owed my friend George $25. For about three weeks I owed it to
him. The whole time I had the money on me -- he didn't know it.
Walking through New York City, 2:30 in the morning and got held
up. He said, "Gimme all your money." I said, "Wait a minute."
I said, "George, here's the 25 dollars I owe you." The the
thief took a thousand dollars out of his own money and he gave
it to George. At gunpoint made me borrow a thousand dollars
I'd like to sing you a song now about my old girlfriend. It's
called, "They'll Find Her When the Leaves Blow Away 'Cause I'm
Not Raking 'Til Spring."
My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this
tour. I said, "the whole time."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep,
I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
So I figured I'd leave the area, because I had no ties there
anyway except for this girl I was seeing. We had conflicting
attitudes: I really wasn't into meditating and she wasn't
really into being alive. I told her I knew when I was going to
die because my birth certificate has an expiration date.
--- sleeping ---
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said,
"Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how."
She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and
hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out
of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said
"I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that
means it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night
and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were
going to die, would you want to know?" "Heck no," I said,
"Why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you
sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's
satellite dish. My dreams showed up on TVs all over the world.
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
--- pets ---
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a
Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in
a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed
except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on
their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat
and drop it?
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to
call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went
insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing. He's an East
German Shepherd. Very disciplined.
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures
of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building... on
the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm
afraid of widths.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.
I don't like dogs... Keep getting mustard on my catching glove.
--- fishing ---
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a
dotted line. He caught every other fish.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore
looking like an idiot.
--- chemistry ---
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the
(Referring to a glass of water:) I mixed this myself. Two
parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...
(Picks up his glass of water from the stool...) I like to live
on the edge...
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
--- childhood ---
I was born by Caesarean section... But not so you'd notice.
It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the
When I was a baby, I kept a diary. Recently, I was rereading
it. It said, "Day 1 -- Still tired from the move. Day 2 --
Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot."
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a
closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy
subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and
then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, "Do you
have any toy train schedules?"
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand
box. I was an only child... Eventually.
When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was
a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running
down the street on a purple wooden horse.
When I was little my grandfather asked me how old I was. I
said, "Five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I
stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I
learned that the shortest distance between two points was a
direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.
When I was a kid, I remember seeing Smokey the Bear on TV
saying, "Only you can prevent forest fires." I thought "Who?
Me?" So I'd sneak out of the house in the middle of the night
with a bucket of water -- "Gotta go to work."
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't
find tractors small enough to fit it.
My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his
birthmark until he was eight years old.
When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers. We
haven't spoken since.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, "I'm not naked,
I'm in the band."
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for
twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.
When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but
he didn't obey.
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the
beach... It pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and
say, "What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so
later I can ask him what he meant.
--- suicide ---
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I
changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and
landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened
and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's
I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have
been serious because I brought a beach towel.
--- other long stories ---
I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after
me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi,
where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A
few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in...
We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You
know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We
got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. I
asked him why he lives all alone out in the desert. He said,
"Don't tell anyone, but I'm doing secret research for the
government." I asked what kind of research. He said, "I'm
trying to determine who *really* built the pyramids. Now, I'm
not positive, but I think it was a guy named 'Phil'." Then the
phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said,
"Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this Steven Wright?"... I
said, "Yes..." The guy said, "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student
loan director from your bank. It seems you have missed your
last 17 payments, and the university you attended said that they
received none of the $17,000 we loaned you. We would just like
to know what happened to the money?" I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll
give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend
Jiggs Casey, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... And I
would appreciate it if you never called me again."
One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the
most gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her. I said,
"Hi," and she said, "Hi," and then I said, "Nice day, isn't
it?," and she said, "I saw my analyst today and he says I have a
problem." So I asked, "What's the problem?" She replied, "I
can't tell you. I don't even know you..." I said, "Well
sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect stranger
on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a
nymphomaniac and I only like Jewish cowboys... By the way, my
name is Denise." I said, "Hello, Denise. My name is Bucky
Now I'm going to tell you about the girl I'm seeing now. I met
her at a Macy's in New York. She was buying clothes, and I was
putting slinkies on the escalators. The girl I'm seeing now,
Rachel, is a very pretty girl. She has emerald eyes and long,
flowing plaid hair. The last week in August, we went camping
way up in Canada. We were laying around in the woods and stuff,
and I don't know how she did it but she got poison ivy on her
brain and the only way she can scratch it is if she thinks about
sandpaper. She's a rich girl, she's from somewhere else. And
her father is an incredible millionaire. He's the guy who
designed the diagram to show you which way to put the batteries
in something. Having sex with Rachel is amazing. It's like
going to a concert. She yells a lot. She throws frisbees
around the room. And when she wants more she lights a match.
Last time I went skiing, I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning.
I knew I couldn't do that, so I slept with my skis on. My ride
came at 5:30 in the morning, couldn't wake me up so he carried
me out of the house, put my skis on the roof rack of the car,
and drove to the mountain. Seventeen miles later, I woke up out
of this incredibly bizarre dream that I was skydiving
horizontally. I'm sure this has happened to you.
A while ago, I went skiing in England. It was a rare package:
two weeks in England, one night in Connecticut, two weeks in
England. I said, "Yes, I'll take it." I got on this chairlift
with this guy I didn't know. We went halfway up the mountain
without saying a word. Then he turned to me and said, "You
know, this is the first time I've gone skiing in ten years." I
said, "Why did you take such a long time off?" He said, "I was
in prison. Want to know why?" I said, "Not really. Well, you
better tell me why." He said, "I pushed a total stranger off a
Ferris wheel." I said, "I remember you."
I looked out my apartment window, and I saw a bird wearing
sneakers and a button saying, "I ain't flying no where." I
said, "What's your problem buddy?" He said, "I'm sick of this
stuff -- winter here, summer there, winter here, summer there.
I don't know who thought this stuff up, but it certainly wasn't
a bird." I said, "Well, I was just making breakfast, come on
in. Want some eggs? Sorry."
--- other miscellaneous one-liners ---
One night I came home very late. It was the next night.
I own the erasers for all the miniature golf pencils.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter, Skelter."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I broke a leg one time... Spilled coffee all over.
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
A wino asked me for change... I gave him my shirt.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of mud.
How young can you die of old age?
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
On the other hand... You have different fingers.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
Women... Can't live with 'em... Can't shoot 'em.
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the
If the pen is mightier than the sword, in a duel I'll let you
have the pen!
What do batteries run on?
Are there any questions?
--- miscellaneous ---
I was cleaning out my closet and I found a swim suit that I had
made out of sponges. I remember one time when I wore it. When
I got out of the swimming pool nobody could go swimming until I
I bought one of those little glass ball things with the snow in
it. You know, you turn it upside down then you turn it back and
it starts to snow. I bought one, except this has a snow plow
that does it in rows.
(Later:) I bought one of those little glass ball things with
the snow in it... Just checking.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer
thinks he can get me five.
I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like
the white part.
My uncle's an airline pilot... Kinda makes it difficult to hold
the bottle though.
My grandma says she has eyes in the back of her head... I hope
it's not hereditary.
Why is it, "A penny for your thoughts," but, "you have to put
your two cents in?" Somebody's making a penny.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole
package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes
she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a
rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
Boy, were they mad!
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and
act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini
locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for
reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got
pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I accidentally shot my father-in-law while deer hunting. It was
an honest mistake. I came out of the tent in the morning and
thought I saw a deer in an orange vest making coffee.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency
Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... The
study of milkmen.
I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness
stand. "Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but
the truth so help you, God?" "Yes, you're ugly. See that women
in the jury? I'd really like to sleep with her. Should I keep
going or are you going to ask me questions?"
Today I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. I
sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a
full house and four people died.
I was walking down the street and saw a sign on a post. It
said: "Lost -- $50. If found, just keep it."
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you
get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get to work.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose
twice. Everything had two shadows.
Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns
behind his ears. I think George is weird, because he has false
teeth. With braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and
when he walks under a bridge... You can't hear him talk.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had
any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
I saw a sign at a gas station. It said "Help Wanted." There
was another sign below it that said "Self Service." So I hired
myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I
paid myself. Then I quit.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood
around and sang Happy Birthday.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the
roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that
he just whipped out a quarter?
I want to get a tattoo of myself on my entire body, only 2"
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off
infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing
lines on curved roads.
This is my impression of a bowling ball... (Drags the mike
along the floor, then lifts it...) Gutter...
I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather.
The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay.
He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I
figured the game *he* was watching was better.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Rod Schmidt)
Date: 22 Jan 1990
Subject: FAKE Steven Wright jokes [original; edited]
Here are my categories, with examples (these are bona fide SW
jokes but listed here rather than above since Rod used them as
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when
suddenly the prescription ran out.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
REVERSALS / SYMMETRY:
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside.
The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started
reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question.
If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of
light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?"
He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
SIMILARITY / ANALOGY:
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had
a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
Last time I went camping, I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.
I didn't know until I got there and set it up. People
complained because they couldn't see the lake. There was a
forest nearby, but it wasn't a regular forest. It was a forest
made out of paneling. It was a long, thin forest.
WRONG METHODS / REASONS / MECHANISMS:
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my
age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six
I'll be ninety.
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how
much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
IDEMPOTENCE / ADDITION OF EFFECTS (REPETITION):
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in
It's a fine night to have an evening.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
I can't stop thinking like this.
This isn't all true.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you
get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like
that all the time.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
Tinsel is really snakes' mirrors.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They
lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and
took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence,
they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each
other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or
numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it
was. You can guess what he told me.
"FAKE" STEVEN WRIGHT SAYINGS BY ROD SCHMIDT (total of 59):
[Editor: Curiously, I've seen Rod's jokes attributed to SW and
vice versa. I guess that's a compliment to Rod. If any are
currently miscategorized, I'll be happy to fix that...]
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know
what to feed it.
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to
a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you
want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer.
It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if
I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on
it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had
to give it back.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a
dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go
up the stairs.
The sky is falling. The sun is rising.
The sky is falling... No, I'm tipping over backwards.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every
morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun
If you take a oriental and turn him around so he faces west,
does he become disoriented?
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure
enough, I couldn't see any forests.
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my
ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
If you write the word "monkey" a million times, do you start to
think you're Shakespeare?
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a
Smoking cures weight problems... Eventually...
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet
when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and
falls on the floor.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in
only ten minutes.
I saw a want ad. Light housekeeping. They said, "Here, change
this bulb". I said, "I'll need some friends".
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch
light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology
experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's
part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.
You know how it is when you decide to lie and say the check is
in the mail, and then you remember it really is? I'm like that
all the time.
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt.
"What are you making?" "A salt lick."
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets
have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through
wallpaper. Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she
has to put something on.
Droughts are because God didn't pay his water bill.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
if you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what
Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why.
It told me it was none of my business.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends
with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I Xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on
microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on
doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they
make erector sets out of play-dough.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and
found spirit gum.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and
returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
I had my coathangers spayed.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it
out, it was gone.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to
Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The
headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half
of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
Date: 1 Sep 91
From: email@example.com (Alex Kirlik)
I got a calculator and now I can't add without it. I got a
spellchecker and I can't write without it anymore. I got a
blowdryer and now my hair won't dry on its own.
Get a bunch of those 3-D glasses and wear them at the same time.
Use enough to get it up to a good, say, 10 or 12-D.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time are the same
thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three
miles late for his meetings.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I
said, "I'll be the one in the leather jacket." She said, "I'll
be the one drinking sake." Turned out it was one of those
biker-sushi places. We never met.
Wrote my own communications software in LISP. Got a phone bill
for a thousand dollars. My computer keeps calling itself.
Called a blind date to set up a meeting at a restaurant. I said,
"I'll be the one driving the Mercedes and wearing a Rolex." Never
found her, but when I got home my place was robbed.
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Andrew Arensburger):
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX
Date: 1 Dec 1991
From: email@example.com (Steve Connelly)
A metaphor is like a simile.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
It takes money to make money because you have to copy the design
The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is
the hanging plant.
At the all-you-can-eat barbecue, you have to pay the regular
dinner price if you eat less than you can.
The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.
For my sister's 40th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
As of 1992, they'll be called European Economic Community fries.
Horses just naturally have Mohawk haircuts.
Every day, the hummingbird eats its own weight in food. You may
wonder how it weighs the food. It doesn't. It just eats
I bought a portable cable TV.
Trees that grow in smoggy cities are needed to make carbon
I liked "Slaughterhouse 5", but I can't find the first four
A man committed suicide by overdosing on decongestant tablets.
All they found was a pile of dust.
From: stevec@BUCRF10.bu.edu (Steve Connelly)
Date: 14 Aug 1992
Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny [excerpts]
I took a physics course that was so hard I couldn't find the
Despite decades of market research, markets proliferate and
there's no cure in sight.
I washed my edible underwear and now they're gone.
Jesus could've made it up Mount Calvary without assistance if he
You can always get a job in international affairs because 90% of
everything happens in a foreign country.
I called the Census Bureau to see why they hadn't sent me a
form, and they said that I was too nondescript to influence the
demographics one way or another.
She had a face lift, tummy lift, and buttock lift, and now she's
two feet off the ground.
Any closet is a walk-in closet if you try hard enough.
A skunk walked by and my odor eaters went berserk with blood
lust. They tripped me, escaped from my loafers, and chased the
skunk up a tree. My feet were still hot and sweaty, so I bought
I listen to the police band on my CB radio. Once I dialed 911
and dedicated a crime to my girlfriend.
Eventually, the water hazard will be filled with golfballs. It
will still be a hazard, though, because you're only allowed to
hit your own ball.
The original Mickey Mouse cartoon was in Mouse, with English
I daydreamed that I was falling and, just before I hit the
ground, I fell asleep.
Which of the Himalayas is the shortest?
The museum boasted owning the original version of Beethoven's
From: anonymous (source lost)
What are imitation rhinestones?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
Date: 6 Apr 93
From: bk781@cleveland.Freenet.Edu (Scott Boesken)
Let's say you stuff a cat's tail up his ass until it peeks out
of his mouth, and you give the tip of its tale a sound yank.
Would the cat turn inside out?
Date: 9 Apr 1993
From: W. Douglas West
I recently changed my name to Resident Occupant. The local post
office would like to speak with me but they're not sure where I
live. Last week they used a barge to deliver my mail. But I
don't think I'm getting it all. So if you happen to see any of
Date: 03 Jun 1993
From: "It's not easy being green."
Ever try to Scotch-gard a sponge?
Date: 5 Feb 1994
From: Danny Chrastina
If you perm your hair twice in opposite directions, does it come
If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?
Date: 21 Mar 94
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Alan Curry)
There are some lines on "Mad About You" that have that certain
Steven Wright quality.
Warren and Paul are in the editing room, watching a tape. On
the tape, Paul interviews someone nicknamed the "King of Scat".
He asks, " Who gave you your nickname?" "I did." Then the live
Paul asks Warren, "Can you just do that, declare yourself King
of something?" Warren answers, "Yes. You can." "What happens
if someone else declares themself King?" "Then they joust."
Another good scene happened in the editing room with Warren and
Lou: What's this button do?
(*boink*, tape flies everywhere)
Warren: Unless you push it.
Date: 10 May 1994
From: Swift Lightning
I went around my house and turned on all the lights. Then I put
mirrors around all the light bulbs. Now the electric company
sends me a check each month.
From: email@example.com (Mark Blevis)
Date: 8 Jun 94
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had break out of my car
with a coat hanger.